On Appearances

Younger me was lost in appearances; in places where I thought that it is only appearance that matters. Older me understands that although there is a use case for appearances, true satisfaction and liberation comes from being oneself unapologetically, and to make the best version of yourself when one wants to be themselves.

I think the best satisfaction comes not from being generalist hopping on surface level of one idea to another, but to develop deep understanding of one subject AND BUILD even deeper into it.

'Comparison is the thief of joy' applied to me quite literally. I was comparing myself to people of the highest order in terms of their thinking capacity and organization / academics game.

I feel that I am probably in the middle-to-bottom tier of the highest rung of the society, and it is probably one of the saddest situations to be in; because, you compare yourself to the top brass and know that you need to up your game, yet you are smart enough to not be ignorant of this fact. This situation could be traumatizing.

As a generalist, I could not keep myself indulged long enough to go deep and receive that satisfaction, and in turn, self approval. At the same time, being on the lower-order of the highest rung led to lack of external validation as well.

There is only one way to fix this - level up - because that is when both of those come as byproducts.